– CDC approves Vitamin D-Nial drug to halt spread of Ebola (satire) (Natural News, Oct 19, 2014):
We’re saved! The CDC has now partnered with the FDA to approve a new medical treatment for Ebola, guaranteed to offer 100% protection against the coming pandemic. The new anti-Ebola drug is called “Vitamin D-Nial” and will be offered free of charge at all voting booths on November 4.
CDC director Thomas Frieden held a well-attended press conference this morning, announcing that “When it comes to Ebola, D-Nial is the answer!” He also promised to send thousands of CDC agents into the field, “armed with D-Nial” to halt the perception of the pandemic.
When asked why a CDC employee called “clipboard man” was recently seen walking around the airport tarmac right next to an infected Ebola patient surrounded by medical staffers in hazmat suits, Dr. Frieden simply answered that “D-Nial is the only Ebola protection anyone really needs.”
D-Nial is the answer to Ebola hysteria
Upon seeing the CDC’s astounding news, media outlets such as the New York Times immediately followed with front-page headlines like, “D-Nial is Answer to Ebola Hysteria!” and “America cheers for D-Nial!”
While taking credit for providing the research funding that resulted in the commercialization of D-Nial, the NIH also complained about the small size of its multi-billion-dollar budget which is sadly only larger than 153 world nations. “If we had been granted another billion dollars in research funding earlier,” NIH spokesperson Dr. Fauci explained, “We all could have achieved the power of D-Nial far sooner.”
In honoring the invention of Vitamin D-Nial, President Obama announced a plan to cover the drug free of charge for all Obamacare participants, calling it the “Obamacare Health Insurance D-Nial Plan.”
Offering further praise of D-Nial, President Barack Obama signed an executive order this morning declaring the month of November, 2014 to be “D-Nial Month.” During this month, the President said, “Americans should celebrate the power of D-Nial and the brilliant people who came up with it.” A Nobel Prize in Science is expected to be awarded, shortly after President Obama bombs another country or two in honor of the Nobel Peace Prize.
Vitamin D-Nial is administered rectally
Vitamin D-Nial is unfortunately administered rectally, but former TSA agents have been hired by Walgreens and CVS to deliver the medicine with experience and precision. The CDC is now preparing to plaster retail pharmacies with posters that declare, “Bend over for public health! Your dose of D-Nial is ready!”
Other patriotic posters in the planning stages will depict a line of smiling Americans bent over at the hips, saluting to the Con-mander in Chief while receiving their mandated doses, accompanied by the slogan, “My D-Nial saved my baby” and “When it comes to public health, nothing works as good as D-Nial.”
D-Nial might also work on superbugs
The inventors of D-Nial, a team of brilliant Big Pharma researchers who also invented ADHD and other fictional diseases, is now hopeful that D-Nial can be applied to many other potential health care challenges of our time.
“We think that D-Nial might also work to solve the problem of superbugs spreading through U.S. hospitals due to the medical abuse of antibiotics,” the researchers stated. “D-Nial has already proven itself to be such a powerful component of modern medicine that we see a wealth of applications across the industry.”
Vitamin D-Nial now takes its place among extraordinary government-funded medical discoveries such as the now-famous “Vitamin C Something Say Something” medicine invented by President Obama’s paranoia ministers.
A similar medical discovery expected to be announced later this year is reportedly called “Vitamin B Afraid of ISIS” whose sales will help fund the endless U.S. war effort against imaginary enemies that are used to frighten the American public into supporting a military surveillance state.
When it comes to solving problems with drugs, nothing beats government ingenuity. Because when times get tough, the one thing all U.S. government leaders have learned and mastered is that D-Nial is always the answer.